


clean up the dead you leave behind

by CallicoKitten



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Mental Breakdown, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 07:22:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I can hear the Kaiju masters," Newt murmurs. They're a touchy subject, people still don't believe in them. Newt gets it, it's easier to believe the Kaiju's were just monsters hell bent on destroying them than it is to believe that there are sentient beings out there pulling the strings. "They want me to open the breach again."</p>
            </blockquote>





	clean up the dead you leave behind

**Author's Note:**

> title is from daughter's lifeforms.
> 
> this is all based around the idea that newt was intended to be a villian in the second movie so idk
> 
> also, queen of unfinished fics here so you know, updates will probably be slow ~ that being said, feedback is a great motivator :)
> 
> enjoy?

If Newt closes his eyes for too long he can hear the Kaiju masters hissing in his ears.

It starts a few weeks after the rift is closed. The Jaeger programme is declared obsolete and the Shatterdome is converted into the Kaiju Research Center, Newt wants to stay on, head up the bio unit again but Herc talks him down. Tells them to take a whole year off after saving the world. Newt doesn’t become a rockstar, doesn’t really want to in the end, he does a couple of interviews with Hermann and the others, gets a book deal and a PBS special out of the whole thing and sort of fades back into anonymity. 

He doesn’t really get why. (Never finishes the book either.)

He gets a tattoo of Otachi on his left calf, Leatherback on the other. Halfway through his second session the tattoo artist jokes that now there's no Kaijus Newt'll have to find a new obsession. 

MIT call a few times, other colleges do too. 

He moves into a crappy studio flat in New York where his mom calls every few days and he wakes up at odd times of the night with Hermann’s dreams running through his mind. He laughs that off, calls Hermann up every morning and makes Freud jokes until Hermann yells and hangs up or turns the whole thing around on Newt (which happens disturbingly frequently.) 

Things change though. 

He doesn’t jerk awake with the taste of Earl Grey in his mouth and London or Berlin or wherever the hell else Hermann is living currently and a cramped up leg (or the feel of Vanessa under his hands) anymore, he jerks awake from dreams of alien whispers and visions of destruction and scent of Kaiju blue clinging to his nostrils and _bloodlust_. 

He jerks awakes from dreams where his only purpose is to _destroy_.

-

He deals (badly.)

Gets back to writing his book, makes an effort to speak at the K-Day memorial ceremony, visits the Research Center and the Ranger Memorial. He doesn’t go to the reunion party in ‘Cisco though, lies about deadlines and meetings with agents and publicists and no one presses him too much about it. He takes his pills regularly. 

It works for a while.  
-

He calls Hermann up the first time he wakes up and feels like he’s dying, dials Hermann’s number and his breath is still hitching, his voice is strained and Hermann sounds frantic, trying to calm him down.

“I keep dreaming of the Kaiju,” Newt manages eventually, “I don’t - I can’t… Hermann tell me you dream about them too.”

“Everybody dreams about them Newton, they almost destroyed the world -” Hermann begins and Newt cuts him off, “No, not like _that_ like… like in the drift Hermann.”

There’s a pause and then, “You think you’re ghost drifting with the Kaiju?”

“I don’t _think_ ,” Newt insists. 

Hermann sighs, “Sorry, Newt.”

Newt’s never felt more alone. He apologises and hangs up.

-

He keeps calling Hermann. Hermann, to his credit, doesn’t hang up.

After two months Hermann sighs, “You should talk to your psychiatrist, Newton. Or the Research Center. I don’t know what else to tell you.” Then after a few beats, “You’ll call me though?” Hermann says after the , “If it gets worse? Newt promise me you’ll tell someone if it gets worse.” 

Newt promises.

-

The dreams get worse. He starts to understand what the masters are whispering.

His shrink mumbles about PTSD and gives him a new lot of medication to keep track off.

There are drawings all over his apartment of the alien races the Kaiju masters have destroyed. Civilisations that were wiped out in their endless quest for more space, more food, more bloodshed. (Pictures that Newt doesn’t remember drawing.)

Newt’s always been a little odd, held together primarily by pharmaceuticals and caffeine and the drive to end the apocalypse and the _need_ to understand the Kaiju. And Hermann apparently. (There’s a gap in Newt’s head where Hermann was, where Hermann should _be_ \- they don’t ghost drift anymore and Newt doesn’t get _why_. It was deal-able when it wasn’t just the Kaiju’s minds he’d slip back into, falling asleep wasn’t so bad back then.

Now he’s coming apart _at the seams_.)

He doesn’t really remember when he last took his pills.

-

_In his dreams he’s a monster and they’re programming him to kill. In his dreams they’ve done their research, the bomb they sent through with Gipsy is theirs now, they already know how it works - know how to replicate it, they know **everything** now. And they are **pissed**. _

_All they need is a way back through._

When he wakes up he’s choking on seawater as a Jaegar tears him apart.

He rolls over and dials Hermann’s number even though it’s almost 4am and he and Vanessa have just had a baby and it’s, like, really rude to call so early when they’re not getting any sleep _anyway_. Hermann answers though because Hermann always answers and Newt pleads, Newt begs, “Please tell me you feel it to. Please, Herman, _please_.”

Hermann sighs and Newt can hear him shifting on his bed, can hear Vanessa muttering sleepily in the background. “I’m sorry, Newton.” he says eventually, quietly, tiredly. (Newt can picture him sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, maybe even tugging at his hair in frustration - Hermann’s never liked to feel helpless.)

Newt sort of wants to break something.

“Newt -” Hermann begins but then there’s a high pitched wailing and Hermann swears softly. “Look, I’ll call you right back, Newt, okay?” And then Newt’s listening to the hum of dial tone. 

He sits for a few minutes but his bed is too comfortable and he can’t risk falling asleep again (he doesn’t remember the drawings, he’s losing himself and what if - what _if_ \- ) He tosses his phone down and tugs at his hair (his heart is racing - _racing_ \- and his chest is tight, so, so tight and _fuck_ he can feel _them_ in the back of his mind _lurking_ , waiting. 

He stands up, paces. 

Kicks the fucking mattress off the bed frame and knocks the stupid papers off his desk.

There’s a drawing staring down at him; vaguely humanoid (their planet had a pink sky and weird silvery-blue grass and summers that lasted four earth years) and Newt growls at it, tears it off the wall and rips it to shreds.

-

His apartment is a mess and he’s somehow ended up splayed in the bathtub in half an inch of cold water. 

At least he’s awake.

He lies there until he becomes aware that the loud pounding isn’t just his heartbeat thudding in his ears. He’s not expecting anyone and his mom always calls before coming over (plus she has a key) and the only other person that would come to see him is halfway across the country and - _shit_. Hermann was supposed to call back.

He’s probably called the police or something.

He stands up and drips his way across to the door, realises too late that he’s shivering and if this _is_ the police he’s very probably going to end up sectioned. He cracks open the door slowly because maybe he can talk his way out of this if they don’t see the fact that he’s soaked and hasn’t slept properly for three months. 

It’s a long-shot but - “Raleigh?”

He opens the door a little wider and the Rangers smile vanishes as he looks Newt up and down worriedly. “Dude, what the hell happened to you?” Raleigh asks, eyes narrowed.

“Uh…” Newt trails off, holds the door open a little wider so Raleigh can come in. _What the hell is he supposed to say?_

Raleigh pushes past him gently, “Whatever, man. You can tell me once you get out of those wet clothes, okay?” He steers Newt back into the apartment and glances around, tight lipped. 

Newt's too tired to even pretend to be embarrassed about state his living room is in and Raleigh's either too polite or too overwhelmed right now to say anything. Newt still hasn't figured out _why_ Raleigh's here because last he heard he and Mako had been living in Japan. Which is kind of too far to travel in a night. 

Newt pauses by the upturned kitchen table. This is the part where he's supposed to offer his guest a drink and maybe something edible (except he's not entirely sure whether there's anything not mouldy and possibly a bio hazard.) Raleigh smiles like this is a completely normal situation and says, "Go and change. I'll uh, make us some coffee or something?"

"Tea," Newt says faintly and Raleigh quirks and eyebrow. "I've been drinking tea since the drift." Newt clarifies. 

Raleigh chuckles, "I know how that feels. You do _have_ coffee though, right?"

"Uh." Newt's not even sure he has _milk._

Raleigh shrugs and dives into Newt's kitchen cupboards anyway.

-

Newt feels a little more human once he's changed into an age old hoodie that he hasn't worn since the Shatterdome and he's sipping the really, _really_ strong tea Raleigh brewed. 

"Mako and I have a few interviews stateside," Raleigh is saying in this faux-calm tone. "We're staying at a hotel on the other side of the city," he smiles sheepishly, "Hermann called. He was frantic."

"Y-Yeah," Newt murmurs, he's noticed peripherally that his hand is shaking. He should definitely be more concerned about that. "He was gonna call back, guess I kind of forgot." 

Raleigh makes the kind of face Newt's mother used to make back when he'd work himself up into a frenzy and stay up three nights in a row eating _Lucky Charms_ and watching _Adventure Time_ while working on his dissertation and half a dozen other things. It's sort of sympathetic and warm but mostly terrified (not _of_ him though, _for_ him, Newt has to remind himself.) "You should have called someone, man." Raleigh says, glancing around the apartment. 

Newt knows he should have but in his defence he did call Hermann. Frequently. 

Raleigh leans forwards slightly, folds his hands on the tabletop, "What's going on with you, man?" He asks quietly.

Newt huffs, "You'll probably think I'm crazy." He murmurs and Raleigh grins wryly. 

"I already think you're crazy," he points out. 

Newt rubs at his eyes, "I've been ghost drifting. With the Kaiju. Except its not exactly ghost drifting." 

Raleigh's frowning now (and Newt wonders suddenly how often Raleigh and Mako share dreams or if it ever happened with Yancy), "Go on," he urges gently.

"I can hear the Kaiju masters," Newt murmurs. They're a touchy subject, people still don't believe in them. Newt gets it, it's easier to believe the Kaiju's were just monsters hell bent on destroying them than it is to believe that there are sentient beings out there pulling the strings. "They want me to open the breach again." 

Raleigh sits back, breathes in sharply. Exhales. Newt suddenly feels like he's three years ago, trying to explain that the Kaiju aren't just killing machines to a room full of sceptical PPDC officers. "You don't believe me." He says quietly. 

At that Raleigh smiles weakly, "Dude, you're pretty much the foremost Kaiju expert, plus I've _seen_ the Kaiju masters. There's no reason for me not to believe you. What I’m wondering is is what we’re meant to do about this.” He pats Newt’s hand and damn it all. He just sounds so _sincere_ that Newt seriously considers kissing him. 

"Come with me," Raleigh says eventually. "Spend the day with me and Mako. She'll have more of an idea about what to do." 

-

Mako greets them at the hotel with room with a sleepy grin and a full spread of breakfast foods and Newt suddenly realises how hungry he is. Mako makes a fuss of him, tells him about how Herc and Tendo are doing, the new Jaeger programme they’re devising in case the Kaiju come back, the roadblocks it’s hit and Newt listens, content to drown out his own thoughts with Mako’s.

He goes with them to their interview, watches from behind the camera as they talk about how it feels one year on, about their futures, about whether they think the Kaiju will be back.

They’re heading to Hong Kong next to visit the old Shatterdome, “Come with us, man,” Raleigh insists. “It’ll be great. You can give a lecture to the scientists and we can visit the memorial. Tendo’ll be there.”

Newt gives in eventually. Sleeps on their couch and thinks about calling Hermann. 

 

-

At 14:15 the next day Newt's nose starts bleeding.

He closes his eyes with a groan, reaching for the box of tissues on the coffee table. 

When he opens them again he's in the San Francisco Kaiju museum, standing in front of Trespasser's skull.


End file.
